no question here either

I remember a joke from when I was younger.  It went, “Ninety-four percent of men masturbate; the other six percent are lying”.  It’s funny how differently men and women relate to masturbation.  It seems no coincidence that the most common nickname for the vagina invokes a cat.  They are generally considered independent and self-sufficient.  Dogs on the other hand, you need to take them for walks a lot or they start to get a bit antsy.

In one way or another I’ve been masturbating since I was about 7-years-old.  I wasn’t aware of exactly what it was I was doing at the time, I just knew that rubbing my body against things led to this really good feeling.  I refer to these as the Glory Days; the Humping Years; the Before-Things-Got-Messy Era.  In those days, way back when my penis pointed more up than out, there was really nothing sexual about it.  Even so, a part of you knows you’re doing something that you shouldn’t do when other people are around to notice.  This is probably where all the guilt you acquire as a teen starts to build up.  This is phase one of our exercise program; not everyone does this phase.  Some will elect to skip this step and move straight to phase two: wrist development.

As a teenager, things ramp up dramatically.  Hormones start to take effect and before long you’re at it two or three times a day.  Yes ladies, you heard that right, two or three times a day!!  I’ll pretend for the sake of not scaring you all away that two or three times is a lot (while all the men chuckle to themselves).  During this period you also start to receive the message that this isn’t something you should be doing.  In high-school I’d have bet there were guys that would rather eat shit than admit they were jerking themselves off every night.  I often think there is no greater teenage taboo than masturbation.

Then you hit phase three: the great fork in the road.  You meet a girl, she starts taking care of things for you and everything is awesome.  Except, you can’t be with that girl every moment and sometimes urges creep up when you least expect them.  Do you suffer through the “blue balls” until you get some together time or do you rely on old righty (or lefty) to keep things in check?  You decide to break out the old exercise routine, “just to get you through”.  Alas, you get married.  Turns out it’s a good thing you kept up with your exercises!  “Not me!” you say?  Sure, you could get lucky and have mind-blowing sex every time you ever want it for the rest of your life.  Ya, that could happen (*cough*).  For the rest of us guys it’s time to bring in the designated hitter.

Lather, rinse, repeat.  Then you die (presumably).

I suspect this isn’t the story arc for most women.   Not only is it unlikely you’d start so early, I doubt you’d partake so often.  We’re different, guys and gals, so that’s to be expected.  The other thing though, the thing that really matters, is that for a guy it’s just getting off.  It’s satisfying a need.  It’s not about intimacy or sexual expression.  It is a means to an end.

Here’s what I think.  I think we all have a downstairs brain.  A woman’s downstairs brain needs to be activated.  It needs the upstairs brain to say, “hey you, let’s get going”.  A guy’s downstairs brain never shuts up.  It’s always down there yapping away.  There’s only one thing that shuts that brain up, and even then, it’s back singing its song in no time.  It’s a tough call as to which I’d rather have.  Speaking as a guy, that downstairs brain can be a pain in the ass.  On the other hand, I’m happy that it’s always so willing, and it’s probably worth a pagan sacrifice or two to make sure it stays that way.  You girls, you’ve got it good in that you don’t have to spend so much time shutting yours up.  I guess it just sucks that downstairs brain doesn’t always talk loud enough to be heard over upstairs brain.